Saturday, September 8, 2007

How to Piss People Off

  1. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  2. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
  3. Practice making fax and modem noises during conversations.
  4. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  5. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  6. Yell out random numbers when someone is counting.
  7. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  8. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  9. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  11. type only in lowercase.
  12. dont use any punctuation either
  13. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  14. Ask people what gender they are.
  15. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  16. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  17. Sing along at the opera.
  18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  19. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
  20. Perform the "chicken dance" to every song at the club, then brag about your dancing skills to whoever is watching.
  21. Call a friend and tell them you bought them a gift and they should come over and get it, then when they arrive, don't answer the door.
  22. When you're in line at a red light, pretend you have fallen asleep when the light changes.
  23. Yell "Touchdown!" loudly at random times when you are doing your grocery shopping.
  24. Walk around with headphones on at the mall singing "Karma Chameleon" loudly.
  25. Respond to every statement people make with "If you only knew..." then snicker.
  26. Go up to the cashier at a department store and inquire where the bathroom is, then walk away waddling like a duck.

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